So now that I'm back at it... I'm starting with probably one of the most difficult posts I'll ever write: What I Want in Myself. This is going to be raw truth. This comes about because I've been doing some soul searching - I started with "What I Want in a Man" at the beginning of the month, and thought it only right to post what I am finding with myself too. Some of these things I have already conquered, but want to make sure I continue to conquer, and others are a work in progress.
Here goes nothing:
- To be honest with myself, and honest to those around me - even when it may not be easy.
- To be happy - for me, not everyone else.
- To stop thinking so much, and just do.
- To stop settling for less than what I think I deserve. I'm awesome. I'm 32 and I have a house, a career, an education (two actually). I'm never one to be "high on myself" -- but maybe it is time I start. I AM WORTH MORE.
- To respect myself so that I no longer let people use me and so that I don't use myself as something less than what I am worth.
- To find a job that doesn't feel like work. To do something that I am passionate about and want to wake up and do every day.
- To give more of myself to those that love me. I have walls, barriers that keep those that I love out because I'm scared to let people in. This isn't just romantic relationships either - this is friends, family.
- To be someone people will remember. Not because of the wrongs in my life, but because of the rights. Or because I made a difference.
- To be closer with my family. I know that I am distant from some of them. Mostly because I have things that I need to work on and close from the past - feelings of anger and jealousy. Others because it is hard for me to travel a lot to see people.
- To have better time management for work, myself, and my family. Knowing how to separate them all and give myself "me" time to enjoy life.
- Work on what I say, when I say it, and how I say it -- if you know me this makes sense.
- Work on letting go of the past and realizing that the future has so much in store for me.
- Smile more.
- Worry less.
- Work on my finances. Learn to save - I have NO ability to save money.
- To love myself for who I am. I'm not perfect. I'm not a size 2, nor will I ever be. I do not have boobs or an ass. But, I do have a killer smile and legs to die for. I am smart, funny, caring, giving, loving, and loyal (to a fault), and though I may not think so all the time - I'm beautiful.
- To be an amazing mother. Like the one that raised me. And the one that raised her. I want to give my children everything that I was given. I want to hold my child and feel that bond, knowing I gave this little person life.
- To love and be loved. To allow myself to be loved. The love that is a lifetime. The love that is unbreakable, unconditional. The love that I see my grandparents and parents have. The love that allows me to be myself, allows me to mess up and make mistakes, but fix it along the way. The love that makes me feel appreciated. The love that makes me feel like I'm number one.
- Dance in the rain.
- Stop caring what others think.
- Stop trying to understand what I did wrong in the past, more than likely - it wasn't me that did wrong.
- Stop hating myself for things I've done in the past. It made me who I am today and I've learned life lessons.
- LET GO (I know I posted this one already, but it's very important to becoming a better me).
- To forgive. To forget.
- To complete my Bucket List by the time I'm 65 so that I am still young enough to enjoy it.
That's my first list. You'd be surprised how hard this is. Finding things wrong with yourself that you want to share with people. As I continue to change, I'll find and share more things about myself that I want to change, and then I'll share Version 2.5 with all of you. Until then, this is the start of the new Melissa. The one that is HAPPY to be who SHE IS!
~Melissa
Current: 180lbs
Goal: 150-155lbs
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